Posted by: posthaiti | January 31, 2010

bachelors, dating in NYC, and writer dude

(flag: this is not about haiti, unless we factor in that i’d probably be out on a date right now if i was there and not here, in NYC. so really, it is. sort of.)

oh, NYT: you are killing me. first, there was that article on how accomplished women (read, accomplished black women/women of color) can’t find men who want to date them. now this. even the title alone screams white-upperclass-overeducated-liberal:

A Bachelor’s Effort to Understand Love

first, i’m sure there are plenty of men (well, i hope) who are bachelors and who understand love. why, when your readership includes people across the globe and you’re probably THE most read newspaper of said globe, generalize so blatantly?

second, the funny thing about this article (actually, the very, very sad thing, if you’re a single gal in NYC) is that men like dude are everywhere — in fact, they make up most of the dating city! welcome to a city of writers, playwrights, magazine editors, ad nauseum.

i’ll be blunt: i have SO many girlfriends who complain of the “dating scene” in this town = nonexistent. yep, that’s right, folks: NOONE DATES in NYC. it’s not that people don’t go out, drink together, have dinner, hook up, etc. etc. etc. it’s just that it’s never called a date. and why? i’ve come to the conclusion (a bad one?) that a lot of men here are averse to not only committing to a (gasp) relationship, but also to committing to even liking a girl = not asking her out on a date for fear that she might actually think that it’s a date, that he’s committed to liking her, and that she might (gasp) want to “go out” again. maybe they’re just cautious and afraid of rejection. a lot of my experience, however, points to the arrogance and aloofness of men here, as in, ‘i can do better,’ or ‘why would i settle for that when i can have this?’.

the problem with dude is not that he’s career-oriented; let’s face it, we all are. every single person, young or old, that “immigrates” to this town has BIG PLANS. how could we let a relationship, with all that complexity and complication (homo sapiens are complicated? what?), weigh us down and most importantly, interfere with our plans and goals? and, if we want to make it, honestly, we really can’t. we HAVE to prioritize self and goals above all else.

for a while.

till we realize that if we keep that shit up, we’ll end up like dude, one of the rare successful — but single and hating it — artists in this town, in fact.

women have a clearer sense of when to stop looking at themselves in the mirror and when to start looking at what really matters. our clocks are ticking and even for the most career-oriented, we seem to come to an inevitable conclusion sooner than later: in order to have a family, to fall in love, to date, well, you have to open yourself up to the possibility that another person might enrich your life, that there’s this thing called companionship that might help your becoming (what?) as a human (there’s that word again) even more than your career.

i’ve gone on about 3 dates in my entire 4.5 years here. the rest were just, i dunno, get-togethers. i didn’t get clued in till after a while, but as it turns out, it’s NOT ME. some men (a lot) here simply DON’T WANT TO DATE. maybe they’re tied up and too busy. maybe they don’t want the commitment. there are hundreds, thousands of women here to choose from. why get into a messy, complicated, confusing fling when you can dump that shit at the first sign of trouble for something easier? or younger? or prettier?

i think we all have too many choices here, and a lot of us don’t want to make a commitment, not just men. not only are there too many choices, but it’s hard to open up to people. and it’s hard to get people to open up to you. maybe dude fell into that trap; i know from experience that when i’m in NYC, i clam up in a sense, and become guarded; when i leave town and go somewhere where peeps are fresh, warm, and open, i reciprocate and usually end up attracting men.

or, maybe there’s a reason why i can’t (don’t want. at all.) to date writers and why i can’t (don’t want. at all.) to date anyone who resembles some uptight white dude with no heart. doh.

check out doree shafrir’s funny take on the whole thing at gawker: The Literary Manboys of New York City.


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